AFRICAN MEN, AFRICAN-AMERICANS AND WOMEN
Michael O. Ewetuga
I’ve met some American men and women and they all have one or two things to say about
African, Nigerian men.
I’ve heard people say African men don’t like their African/American brothers. Some said
African men are too proud and some American women are of the opinion that African men
love to lord it over women.
A lady told me that she told her friend that she just met a Nigerian guy and the friend told
her to just let him go. I asked her why her friend would say that and she said they have
heard a lot about not just African men in general but Nigerian men in particular. I asked her
if her friend has ever dated an African man or more particularly a Nigerian and she said no.
That shouldn’t surprise anyone.
First I want to say that it is a figment of some people’s imagination that Nigerians do not
like their African/American brother. My best friend, who lives in Maryland, has an
African/American friend, and they are best of friends. I have a couple of African/American
friends myself, as a matter of fact; the person that I consider a very good friend is an
African/American.
I have said it before that there are good and bad men in every race no matter where they are
from. A man’s attitude might be influenced by his culture, and of course it does but that is
not to say that an individual represent, by his conduct, his whole race or nationality.
I have worked with some African/Americans such as my friend that I mentioned above, that
are very cool people to hang out with and I have met some who are so hostile that if I had
concluded that all African/Americans are like them I would have missed out on knowing
some of my very good friends who are African/Americans like them
I try as much as I can to inform those that I come in contact with about Africans, making
myself Africa’s public relation officer as all Africans ought to do. There are lots of
misconceptions about Africans. There was a time I read an article written, in my opinion, in
bad taste by an African/American about Nigeria and Nigerians. I made it my business to
reply the fellow.
Now to the issue of women. Growing up I noticed that my mum held my dad in very high
regard and I cannot remember a time that she argued with my dad. To me, after due
consideration when I grew up, that is not to say that she was my dad’s doormat. Far from it.
I know as a fact that a woman, under my culture respects her husband and would not
challenge his authority. Yes when I say authority I mean authority. Everywhere you look
there is hierarchy. In a country, the president of that country is the number one man and of
course we do have the first ladies, who, being part of the first family are the number one
woman. High schools have principals. There are chairmen of companies. Jesus is said to
be the head of the church represented by the pastors and there are imams at the Mosques
who are at the head of their congregation.
The point I am trying to make is that someone has got to be the head where two or more
people cohabit.
Whenever we needed to do something or go somewhere, we tell our mum who would point
in the direction of our dad as the appropriate authority to either grant or deny our requests.
There was no doubt as to who the ultimate authority was in that family. I remember my
sisters coming home because they had some kind of arguments with their husbands and
they felt the guys were bossy or something. My dad would send them right back to their
husbands. He would tell them that they have started their own family and as such are
welcome as guests in his house but no daughter of his would, because she failed in her
marriage come and live under his roof. And so they would go back and knowing that their
fates are tied to that of their husbands they worked harder to make their marriages work.
After due consideration, I believe my mum had her own authority. Sometimes we would tell
our mum that we needed to do some certain things and we were dead sure dad would not
allow it. If we were able to convince her, she would sell the idea to dad and he would let us
go to where otherwise he would have denied us permission to go. Before us their kids they
held a united front.
Having said that, there are bad marriages under my culture as there are in every culture.
However, a woman who is wise would sway her husband to her side any day.
I have seen instances where my mum would want to do something and my dad would have
none of it. She would not argue no matter how harsh his words were or how angry he
seems. With patience and tact, she would make him see the good in whatever it was she
was planning to do. We would witness her do what he had vowed he would not allow.
So, I disagree with anyone who refers to such women as a slaves or a subordinates, she
was tactful and that is what most women lack these days. To me, the African women that I
have seen are not slaves. They knew how to get what they wanted from their husbands and
how to go about it without challenging his authority. Children brought up in such an
environment know that their mum did wield some authorities. They know that their dads
respected their mums.
Compare that to a woman who is always having a shouting match with her husband. Lack
of respect for each other is why some people would not be happy in their marriages. They
jump from one husband to the other and soon discover that no man would stand a
disrespectful wife.
I know the kind of setting described above is not peculiar to Africans; I have met some
Americans who had similar background all you have to do is listen to LUTHER
VANDROSS’ “DANCE WITH MY FATHER”
There are so many wrong ideas flying everywhere. How can a woman say she’s
independent and married at the same time. It would appear that some of these women
either do not know the meaning of independence or do not know what marriage entails.
Independent from what? If you are independent from your husband then you do not need
one. You are supposed to be one and he is supposed to be the head of the family. That is
not to say men should lord it over women. If, when your husband is angry, he is saying
some things, believe me some of those things were uttered due to the anger. Cool down,
no matter how harsh it seems. Know your husbands so as to tell when he’s calm and
eventually, when he is cooled down, let him see the logic of your venture. Women have
been known to destroy kingdoms by being tactful.
No man, and African men are no exceptions, would take appreciate your making him feel
incompetent.
Some women do not know how powerful they are. Some of them, because of their lack of
tact, chased their husbands into the arms of other women who make the men feel like a
men. The same guy you refer to as lazy and incompetent would be encouraged to greater
heights, beyond your imagination, by a woman who encourages him rather than bring him
down.
Some women believe that because they make their own money, have their own cars and
own their own homes, then men are nothing. They soon realize that money; cars and the
so-called good jobs would never be substitutes for the company of a good man. A nice
home is like a graveyard when there’s no one to cuddle with. There’s no substitute for a
good companion, one you can kiss, hug, eat with and have a good laugh with. Pricilla offers
temporary relief but that is not as warm and as satisfying as slipping into dreamland in the
arms of a loving man.
To any woman, who wants laughter in her life, who wants the sun to shine brighter, the
stars to look like diamonds and their homes to feel like heaven, I recommend the song of
DESTINY’S CHILD “LET ME CATER TO YOU”. Every woman who wants happiness should
practice the message in that song.
If a woman is good to her man and he doesn’t return the kindness, he is the big loser and
he would see that soon enough. The fact that he doesn’t appreciate you should not stop
you from being yourself because there would come a day when you will mean the world to
one that appreciates you.
If an African man treated you bad, do not because of that condemn all African men. What
would you do if an American man does the same, you would stop dating Americans? For a
woman who has never dated an African man to condemn all Africans because of what she
heard is unfortunate.
African men are not bad men they just want real women.
Michael O. Ewetuga
I’ve met some American men and women and they all have one or two things to say about
African, Nigerian men.
I’ve heard people say African men don’t like their African/American brothers. Some said
African men are too proud and some American women are of the opinion that African men
love to lord it over women.
A lady told me that she told her friend that she just met a Nigerian guy and the friend told
her to just let him go. I asked her why her friend would say that and she said they have
heard a lot about not just African men in general but Nigerian men in particular. I asked her
if her friend has ever dated an African man or more particularly a Nigerian and she said no.
That shouldn’t surprise anyone.
First I want to say that it is a figment of some people’s imagination that Nigerians do not
like their African/American brother. My best friend, who lives in Maryland, has an
African/American friend, and they are best of friends. I have a couple of African/American
friends myself, as a matter of fact; the person that I consider a very good friend is an
African/American.
I have said it before that there are good and bad men in every race no matter where they are
from. A man’s attitude might be influenced by his culture, and of course it does but that is
not to say that an individual represent, by his conduct, his whole race or nationality.
I have worked with some African/Americans such as my friend that I mentioned above, that
are very cool people to hang out with and I have met some who are so hostile that if I had
concluded that all African/Americans are like them I would have missed out on knowing
some of my very good friends who are African/Americans like them
I try as much as I can to inform those that I come in contact with about Africans, making
myself Africa’s public relation officer as all Africans ought to do. There are lots of
misconceptions about Africans. There was a time I read an article written, in my opinion, in
bad taste by an African/American about Nigeria and Nigerians. I made it my business to
reply the fellow.
Now to the issue of women. Growing up I noticed that my mum held my dad in very high
regard and I cannot remember a time that she argued with my dad. To me, after due
consideration when I grew up, that is not to say that she was my dad’s doormat. Far from it.
I know as a fact that a woman, under my culture respects her husband and would not
challenge his authority. Yes when I say authority I mean authority. Everywhere you look
there is hierarchy. In a country, the president of that country is the number one man and of
course we do have the first ladies, who, being part of the first family are the number one
woman. High schools have principals. There are chairmen of companies. Jesus is said to
be the head of the church represented by the pastors and there are imams at the Mosques
who are at the head of their congregation.
The point I am trying to make is that someone has got to be the head where two or more
people cohabit.
Whenever we needed to do something or go somewhere, we tell our mum who would point
in the direction of our dad as the appropriate authority to either grant or deny our requests.
There was no doubt as to who the ultimate authority was in that family. I remember my
sisters coming home because they had some kind of arguments with their husbands and
they felt the guys were bossy or something. My dad would send them right back to their
husbands. He would tell them that they have started their own family and as such are
welcome as guests in his house but no daughter of his would, because she failed in her
marriage come and live under his roof. And so they would go back and knowing that their
fates are tied to that of their husbands they worked harder to make their marriages work.
After due consideration, I believe my mum had her own authority. Sometimes we would tell
our mum that we needed to do some certain things and we were dead sure dad would not
allow it. If we were able to convince her, she would sell the idea to dad and he would let us
go to where otherwise he would have denied us permission to go. Before us their kids they
held a united front.
Having said that, there are bad marriages under my culture as there are in every culture.
However, a woman who is wise would sway her husband to her side any day.
I have seen instances where my mum would want to do something and my dad would have
none of it. She would not argue no matter how harsh his words were or how angry he
seems. With patience and tact, she would make him see the good in whatever it was she
was planning to do. We would witness her do what he had vowed he would not allow.
So, I disagree with anyone who refers to such women as a slaves or a subordinates, she
was tactful and that is what most women lack these days. To me, the African women that I
have seen are not slaves. They knew how to get what they wanted from their husbands and
how to go about it without challenging his authority. Children brought up in such an
environment know that their mum did wield some authorities. They know that their dads
respected their mums.
Compare that to a woman who is always having a shouting match with her husband. Lack
of respect for each other is why some people would not be happy in their marriages. They
jump from one husband to the other and soon discover that no man would stand a
disrespectful wife.
I know the kind of setting described above is not peculiar to Africans; I have met some
Americans who had similar background all you have to do is listen to LUTHER
VANDROSS’ “DANCE WITH MY FATHER”
There are so many wrong ideas flying everywhere. How can a woman say she’s
independent and married at the same time. It would appear that some of these women
either do not know the meaning of independence or do not know what marriage entails.
Independent from what? If you are independent from your husband then you do not need
one. You are supposed to be one and he is supposed to be the head of the family. That is
not to say men should lord it over women. If, when your husband is angry, he is saying
some things, believe me some of those things were uttered due to the anger. Cool down,
no matter how harsh it seems. Know your husbands so as to tell when he’s calm and
eventually, when he is cooled down, let him see the logic of your venture. Women have
been known to destroy kingdoms by being tactful.
No man, and African men are no exceptions, would take appreciate your making him feel
incompetent.
Some women do not know how powerful they are. Some of them, because of their lack of
tact, chased their husbands into the arms of other women who make the men feel like a
men. The same guy you refer to as lazy and incompetent would be encouraged to greater
heights, beyond your imagination, by a woman who encourages him rather than bring him
down.
Some women believe that because they make their own money, have their own cars and
own their own homes, then men are nothing. They soon realize that money; cars and the
so-called good jobs would never be substitutes for the company of a good man. A nice
home is like a graveyard when there’s no one to cuddle with. There’s no substitute for a
good companion, one you can kiss, hug, eat with and have a good laugh with. Pricilla offers
temporary relief but that is not as warm and as satisfying as slipping into dreamland in the
arms of a loving man.
To any woman, who wants laughter in her life, who wants the sun to shine brighter, the
stars to look like diamonds and their homes to feel like heaven, I recommend the song of
DESTINY’S CHILD “LET ME CATER TO YOU”. Every woman who wants happiness should
practice the message in that song.
If a woman is good to her man and he doesn’t return the kindness, he is the big loser and
he would see that soon enough. The fact that he doesn’t appreciate you should not stop
you from being yourself because there would come a day when you will mean the world to
one that appreciates you.
If an African man treated you bad, do not because of that condemn all African men. What
would you do if an American man does the same, you would stop dating Americans? For a
woman who has never dated an African man to condemn all Africans because of what she
heard is unfortunate.
African men are not bad men they just want real women.
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