HOROSCOPE
Michael O. Ewetuga
While everyone is trying to get rich and rich people are trying to prevent them so there would
be a limited number of their class. While some are killing people and making soldiers of
children, while everyone was speaking big grammar so they could confuse everyone’s
head. While others are in the laboratory trying to defy nature and others worshipping nature
so as to prevent a natural disaster such as tsunami and Katrina. While some are robbing
other people of their belongings so they could live and others are kidnapping people so as
to make a point, while bush is trying to curb terrorism and the terrorists are trying to forcefully
make a point that Allah is the greatest I was trying to give happiness to people.
I went to Wal-Mart and got me a telescope so that I can bring news to people, so that those
who would be rich would know and stop struggling and those who would be poor would
know it and stop chasing shadows, those who would get married would know it and stop
following the wrong guys while those who are destined to be spinsters and bachelors all
their lives would stop trying to get married. I stayed in my little room for the whole of 2006
looking at the stars so I could show my people the way in 2007 so they will all put their
minds at rest.
I studied for 20 years under a renowned astrologist, who kept me as a student even when
he knew I was destined to be the great one in the field of star reading; he saw that in my
star. He kept me long enough to keep me frustrated but I have seen, and I know so I was not
worried for it has been written that he would keep me under his cloak, he was only fulfilling
the book. Eventually he passed away like it has been written and I graduated after his death
without a ceremony like it has been written and so, although late, but not belated I am here
to show all of you the way, so sit back, get your beer if you drink, your marijuana if you smoke
and your sleeping pills if you are suicidal because I’m about to take the mystery out of your
life and so for 12 months only I will do this, so hear O’men and by that I mean women too,
hear what your life will be like for the month of January and if I get too lazy to do this
sometimes then you need to pay, you may contact me on 281-330-8004 and ask to speak
with Mike Jones and get familiar with your star.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
HIS: If you are a Nigerian don’t bother sending money home this year because one of your
cousins is going to win the forthcoming gubernatorial elections and become the new star of
the family, your being in the USA, albeit God’s own country is not going to matter. Everyone is
fed up with your stories, the last time you were home, no money is your national anthem, is it
not the same America Emeka and Tunji reside and they already bought 3 houses each?
Anytime this is pointed out to you, you claim they are 419s why can’t you to be four one ten?
HERS: Now you are really beautiful and sexy, what with all those nice panties and bras, high
heels and all, there’s no time you pass by group of men that they will not whistle, the other
time one whistled till he got a slap from his wife, you are the toast of men of all ages. That is
really good except that your boyfriend is about to leave you, he has found another woman,
old, enough to be his mom and the reason why he’s leaving you is because he loves older
women especially ones with dentures, who loves to wear long skirt and pantyhose, plus
grandmother panties big enough to take 3 cow heads. He’s leaving you for one of them this
year and he’s getting married to one of the aforementioned women.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
HIS: Everybody wants to be a Doctor you are already one and boasting about how rich you’re
going to get. I’m sorry for you (shakes head) the last time you had a dream you saw yourself
riding an Okada, you woke up sweating shouting God forbid, you went to the beach and
asked some aladura to pray for you, for what they asked, you said so that your job will bring
you fulfillment. Hum, I will tell you this, pronto get on the next plane to 9ja, get yourself an
Okada and start riding, people will abuse you and say you’re a fake doctor but not to worry, a
white man is going to ride on your Okada with a big plastic bag which he will forget to take
when he gets off, there would be ten million dollars in the bag, don’t take it and run because
he will come after you with a gun. Take the money back to him and he will give you 10
thousand Naira, buy some shares with it, that’s your way to getting rich.
HERS: Akin has proposed to you and you’re happy, I don’t blame you, you should be happy,
who doesn’t want a nice looking guy, with a Doctorate Degree in Agriculture. Don’t marry
him, it is dangerous. You see him every morning with this particular goat and you think he
likes livestock, he doesn’t he loves livestock and before the end of this year he’s going to be
in the papers after impregnating one, he’s going to be a father of half goat half human.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MARCH 20)
HIS: You obviously think you’re smart, you impregnated women from every race on the face
of this earth, all the kids are 8 months old now. Hum. You did it in London and got away with
it, in Nigeria they cannot begin to count the number of your children, I understand the amount
of kids had for you alone accounted for the number of men being more than those of women
in Nigeria. Well, I got news for you. The women did not like that because they like the idea
that they are more than men, that makes their emancipation struggle well founded; now you
have messed up their plans and they are not pleased about that. So, therefore they all
converged in Virginia, symbolic because most of them were virgin when you met them, and
they have petitioned the Attorney-General of the USA via Sahara reporters for you to pay
children support, not child support because they are more than one. You better start looking
for jobs you will do 24-7 and after your death make provisions for the children because the
AG starting with you would cause congress to make laws that those owing child support
cannot give anything away via will until the child or children as in your own case are well
catered for till they are 60 years old.
HERS: I have nothing to say to you except to pull your top, your pants or skirt, whichever one
you’re wearing at the material time, and subsequently your panties whenever anyone calls
you the queen because soon as you turn your back they laugh and roll on the floor. You ask
me why? How dare you!!! Don’t you look in the mirror in the mornings? Beside you, monkey
would win Miss Universe.
ARIES (MARCH 21 – APR. 19)
HIS: Praise the lord! Hallelujah!! Praise the lord!! Hallelujah!!! Praise the living Jehovah!!!
Hallelujah!!!! Stop sweating for the host of heaven have decided that JAMB that has been the
bane of your problems for the past 32 years you will pass this year.
HERS: People accused you of being fat and you said you are not, that makes it a
controversy, you don’t have to worry about it any more because you will be so thin they will
marvel, there’s no amount of fat that hunger cannot take away.
TAURUS (APRIL 20 – MAY 20)
HIS: You have been understudying Okocha, Kanu, Beckham and a whole of others for the
past 40 years and this year you believe is your year, you have bought yourself a pair of
soccer boots and you have began practicing in earnest, rejoice because under your
captainship Nigeria will win the world cup and you the most famous footballer at the age of
53.
HERS: What can I tell you my sister? Go back to the village and apologize to that old beggar
in front of your building that you intentionally and maliciously pour pepper water on when you
were 2 years old, he’s the reason why you have dated men of every color and yet none would
marry you. After apologizing to him ask for his hand in marriage, he’s now impotent but you
are to play with his kini every night and like Sarah just when they thought you’d never have a
child Saddam Hussein will come back to this world through you and this time as an
American and a Christian and he will wage holy war against the Muslim of the middle east
setting up his war headquarters in Iraq.
GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 21)
HIS: Hold on a second. Yes, yes, yes (communicating with your ancestors). Your ancestors
are angry, they said you think you are wiser than they were. The grouse of their quarrels with
you is concerning your tradition. They said your great grandfather was a great warrior and
well known in those days when men were men and fought with bare hands rather than with
guns and atomic bomb and the tribal marks on his face was obvious from miles away with
is why his people did not kill him because of course they could see the marks from miles,
his enemy soldiers however did for the same reason. Your grand father was given a
chieftaincy title in far away England because the white people thought he was a walking
work of art due to his tribal marks. Your mother was fascinated because of your father’s
tribal marks. Now you think you are wiser and smarter and so you have been using
sandpaper on your marks as a result of which you bleed profusely from time to time and you
refused to mark your kids. You changed your ancestral name from to Kosoko to Hoe and
yours from Banjoko to Benjamin so that your name is now Benjamin Hoe. A family meeting
has been schedule for, I was not told the date, but they plan on making you attend through
mosquito bite.
HERS: You have not experienced orgasm in your life and you’re now going 60. You will not
and that is not a curse unless you date that 20 year old boy that has been stressing you up
on the internet because he knows how to use his tongue and his instrument is 14 inches
long and the head of it is as thick as a quarter.
Michael O. Ewetuga
While everyone is trying to get rich and rich people are trying to prevent them so there would
be a limited number of their class. While some are killing people and making soldiers of
children, while everyone was speaking big grammar so they could confuse everyone’s
head. While others are in the laboratory trying to defy nature and others worshipping nature
so as to prevent a natural disaster such as tsunami and Katrina. While some are robbing
other people of their belongings so they could live and others are kidnapping people so as
to make a point, while bush is trying to curb terrorism and the terrorists are trying to forcefully
make a point that Allah is the greatest I was trying to give happiness to people.
I went to Wal-Mart and got me a telescope so that I can bring news to people, so that those
who would be rich would know and stop struggling and those who would be poor would
know it and stop chasing shadows, those who would get married would know it and stop
following the wrong guys while those who are destined to be spinsters and bachelors all
their lives would stop trying to get married. I stayed in my little room for the whole of 2006
looking at the stars so I could show my people the way in 2007 so they will all put their
minds at rest.
I studied for 20 years under a renowned astrologist, who kept me as a student even when
he knew I was destined to be the great one in the field of star reading; he saw that in my
star. He kept me long enough to keep me frustrated but I have seen, and I know so I was not
worried for it has been written that he would keep me under his cloak, he was only fulfilling
the book. Eventually he passed away like it has been written and I graduated after his death
without a ceremony like it has been written and so, although late, but not belated I am here
to show all of you the way, so sit back, get your beer if you drink, your marijuana if you smoke
and your sleeping pills if you are suicidal because I’m about to take the mystery out of your
life and so for 12 months only I will do this, so hear O’men and by that I mean women too,
hear what your life will be like for the month of January and if I get too lazy to do this
sometimes then you need to pay, you may contact me on 281-330-8004 and ask to speak
with Mike Jones and get familiar with your star.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
HIS: If you are a Nigerian don’t bother sending money home this year because one of your
cousins is going to win the forthcoming gubernatorial elections and become the new star of
the family, your being in the USA, albeit God’s own country is not going to matter. Everyone is
fed up with your stories, the last time you were home, no money is your national anthem, is it
not the same America Emeka and Tunji reside and they already bought 3 houses each?
Anytime this is pointed out to you, you claim they are 419s why can’t you to be four one ten?
HERS: Now you are really beautiful and sexy, what with all those nice panties and bras, high
heels and all, there’s no time you pass by group of men that they will not whistle, the other
time one whistled till he got a slap from his wife, you are the toast of men of all ages. That is
really good except that your boyfriend is about to leave you, he has found another woman,
old, enough to be his mom and the reason why he’s leaving you is because he loves older
women especially ones with dentures, who loves to wear long skirt and pantyhose, plus
grandmother panties big enough to take 3 cow heads. He’s leaving you for one of them this
year and he’s getting married to one of the aforementioned women.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
HIS: Everybody wants to be a Doctor you are already one and boasting about how rich you’re
going to get. I’m sorry for you (shakes head) the last time you had a dream you saw yourself
riding an Okada, you woke up sweating shouting God forbid, you went to the beach and
asked some aladura to pray for you, for what they asked, you said so that your job will bring
you fulfillment. Hum, I will tell you this, pronto get on the next plane to 9ja, get yourself an
Okada and start riding, people will abuse you and say you’re a fake doctor but not to worry, a
white man is going to ride on your Okada with a big plastic bag which he will forget to take
when he gets off, there would be ten million dollars in the bag, don’t take it and run because
he will come after you with a gun. Take the money back to him and he will give you 10
thousand Naira, buy some shares with it, that’s your way to getting rich.
HERS: Akin has proposed to you and you’re happy, I don’t blame you, you should be happy,
who doesn’t want a nice looking guy, with a Doctorate Degree in Agriculture. Don’t marry
him, it is dangerous. You see him every morning with this particular goat and you think he
likes livestock, he doesn’t he loves livestock and before the end of this year he’s going to be
in the papers after impregnating one, he’s going to be a father of half goat half human.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MARCH 20)
HIS: You obviously think you’re smart, you impregnated women from every race on the face
of this earth, all the kids are 8 months old now. Hum. You did it in London and got away with
it, in Nigeria they cannot begin to count the number of your children, I understand the amount
of kids had for you alone accounted for the number of men being more than those of women
in Nigeria. Well, I got news for you. The women did not like that because they like the idea
that they are more than men, that makes their emancipation struggle well founded; now you
have messed up their plans and they are not pleased about that. So, therefore they all
converged in Virginia, symbolic because most of them were virgin when you met them, and
they have petitioned the Attorney-General of the USA via Sahara reporters for you to pay
children support, not child support because they are more than one. You better start looking
for jobs you will do 24-7 and after your death make provisions for the children because the
AG starting with you would cause congress to make laws that those owing child support
cannot give anything away via will until the child or children as in your own case are well
catered for till they are 60 years old.
HERS: I have nothing to say to you except to pull your top, your pants or skirt, whichever one
you’re wearing at the material time, and subsequently your panties whenever anyone calls
you the queen because soon as you turn your back they laugh and roll on the floor. You ask
me why? How dare you!!! Don’t you look in the mirror in the mornings? Beside you, monkey
would win Miss Universe.
ARIES (MARCH 21 – APR. 19)
HIS: Praise the lord! Hallelujah!! Praise the lord!! Hallelujah!!! Praise the living Jehovah!!!
Hallelujah!!!! Stop sweating for the host of heaven have decided that JAMB that has been the
bane of your problems for the past 32 years you will pass this year.
HERS: People accused you of being fat and you said you are not, that makes it a
controversy, you don’t have to worry about it any more because you will be so thin they will
marvel, there’s no amount of fat that hunger cannot take away.
TAURUS (APRIL 20 – MAY 20)
HIS: You have been understudying Okocha, Kanu, Beckham and a whole of others for the
past 40 years and this year you believe is your year, you have bought yourself a pair of
soccer boots and you have began practicing in earnest, rejoice because under your
captainship Nigeria will win the world cup and you the most famous footballer at the age of
53.
HERS: What can I tell you my sister? Go back to the village and apologize to that old beggar
in front of your building that you intentionally and maliciously pour pepper water on when you
were 2 years old, he’s the reason why you have dated men of every color and yet none would
marry you. After apologizing to him ask for his hand in marriage, he’s now impotent but you
are to play with his kini every night and like Sarah just when they thought you’d never have a
child Saddam Hussein will come back to this world through you and this time as an
American and a Christian and he will wage holy war against the Muslim of the middle east
setting up his war headquarters in Iraq.
GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 21)
HIS: Hold on a second. Yes, yes, yes (communicating with your ancestors). Your ancestors
are angry, they said you think you are wiser than they were. The grouse of their quarrels with
you is concerning your tradition. They said your great grandfather was a great warrior and
well known in those days when men were men and fought with bare hands rather than with
guns and atomic bomb and the tribal marks on his face was obvious from miles away with
is why his people did not kill him because of course they could see the marks from miles,
his enemy soldiers however did for the same reason. Your grand father was given a
chieftaincy title in far away England because the white people thought he was a walking
work of art due to his tribal marks. Your mother was fascinated because of your father’s
tribal marks. Now you think you are wiser and smarter and so you have been using
sandpaper on your marks as a result of which you bleed profusely from time to time and you
refused to mark your kids. You changed your ancestral name from to Kosoko to Hoe and
yours from Banjoko to Benjamin so that your name is now Benjamin Hoe. A family meeting
has been schedule for, I was not told the date, but they plan on making you attend through
mosquito bite.
HERS: You have not experienced orgasm in your life and you’re now going 60. You will not
and that is not a curse unless you date that 20 year old boy that has been stressing you up
on the internet because he knows how to use his tongue and his instrument is 14 inches
long and the head of it is as thick as a quarter.
minorities interests
We build your website
for less and ensure you
don't throw money away
We save you money
We build your website
for less and ensure you
don't throw money away
We save you money
Minorities Interests
Knowledge, Culture, Social
Meet And Share
Knowledge, Culture, Social
Meet And Share
