HOROSCOPE 2
Michael O. Ewetuga
Cancer June 22 – July 22
HIS: It appears you are deaf and that disability might be your undoing. They shout it on the
radio, TV and newspapers but na lie, you got to smoke and you do it everywhere, in the
toilet, in between meals, in the car, at the office, even while taking a shower. Dem take am
swear for you, because you were born under cancer does that mean you must die of one.
STOP SMOKING!
HERS: Congratulations! Your boss is finally going to propose. After years of low neck tops,
tight underwear revealing pants, deliberate parting of legs when taking notes. Your efforts
will be rewarded big time with a solid rock on your finger. You are going to have all the
things money can buy, but visit the sex toy shops before your marriage because Mr. Boss
is impotent which was why he never did make a pass at you. Check it out yourself, you are
a drop dead gorgeous girl and yet he never trespassed. There’s pressure on him to get
married and he has chosen you in his mind.
LEO July 22- Sept 23
HIS: Your son is about graduating from college. Brilliant boy, always coming top in his
class as a result of which he bagged a scholarship this year to study in the USA .
Everyone is excited, most especially you, that you have such a brilliant boy. You have
concluded arrangements for him to stay with your best friend, the boy’s godfather. Get a
chair to take with you wherever you go from now on because you are going to need to get
your butt on a chair real quick when a secret that had been concealed for 21 years rear its
ugly head. With regard to that brilliant boy that is going on scholarship to America , you are
not the daddy, wondering who the daddy is? Ask your best friend. How can you not know,
you that you giraffed throughout your school days, how can you father such a brilliant boy?
You self like better thing.
HERS: Nobody wants to be your friend because of your humble background. Your so
called friends don’t want to be associated with you because of the tribal marks on your
parents cheeks and because they speak with that heavy village dialect. You yourself had
considered denying these parents of yours because you believe they are an
embarrassment, thanks to good reasoning power on your part, you have decided to stick
with your parents and ditch your friends, after all your parents brought you into this world.
Kudos, you are about to be rewarded for your loyalty to your parents, the gods saw your
conduct and have decided to reward you powerfully.
There is a party coming up and your friends in their conspiratorial mood have decided not
to inform nor invite you. Big deal! You must be at that party despite not being invited, you
must gate crash. A good looking wealthy business tycoon will attend, he will bump into
you and this will result in you spilling your drink all over your dress. In the process of
helping you clean the mess, the dashing, young, handsome rich guy is going to reveal
one of your boobs. Your friend will have a good laugh and the crowd will have an eye full,
including the cause of your palaver, the rich tycoon. He will continue staring, eyes almost
popping out of their sockets. Your boobs are going to be a source of constant nightmare
for the young man because they were going to go at him in his dreams chorusing “touch
us, lick us, have us” he will not rest till he marries you, that is what a famous herbalist will
tell him. He consequently will ask for your hand in marriage. See who will have the last
laugh?
VIRGO Aug. 23 – Sept 22
HIS: Do not argue with someone more intelligent and smarter than you are, that is not only
disrespectful, it is stupid. Some billions of dollars got missing at your job, your boss will
accuse you of stealing it, do not argue, offer no protest. You will be fired but won’t be
jailed, because of lack of evidence tying you with the missing money. Your boss intend to
use you as red herring to cover his yansh, he will call you years later and tell you where to
get your own half of the money.
HERS: Listen to your friend on this one, you will be missing the point if you think they are
envious. You looked so beautiful when you were black and shining, with your enviable
white teeth. Now you are bent on being white, you may seek Michael’s advice on the futility
of that exercise. You have spent all your savings on bleaching cream, yet you’re not close
to looking Mexican. Plus, white people know themselves. When you fill that employment
box you better check the appropriate box, “Black/African-American, not of Hispanic
heritage” Descriptive enough?
LIBRA Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
HIS: Hush, stop complaining. Your uncle told you not to leave that banking job in Nigeria ,
you slandered him and campaigned to everyone that he did not want you to become
American like he is. Now you’re in America , you have submitted your resume to all the
companies, big and small no hope of being employed by any. You must pay your dues
men! This is a country of equal opportunity with a proviso. Start at the very bottom and start
walking your way up, the moving company will employ you regardless of your experience,
nationality or educational background. That is equal opportunity.
HERS: Pray, just pray, that is your solution. All those things you did last year require
prayers for proper cleansing. I will not say it, you know what you did. The bible says if your
sin is as red as scarlet it shall be washed and made as white as snow. I don’t want
anyone tearing your dress in public, so, I will hold my peace. That was your sister’s
husband girl! I won’t say it. Incredible! Simply because your saw the outline of his stuff
through his shorts, ha! Na wah! I won’t let anyone know, just pray. You turned the thing into
feeding bottle and suck on it all the time like a thirsty girl in the desert. Oga! Not my
business though. What happened after all that sucking and moaning, we both know. Just
pray!
SCORPIO Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
HIS: Spice up your life men! I got good news for you, don’t tell me, I know! Your wife cries
herself to sleep every night because of your disappointing performance at the Wembly
Stadium, match day after match day. No need to commit suicide, don’t use Viagra it will
not save you, no drug will. You need to talk to madam and assure her you’re about to
become the most gifted striker the world has ever known. Not that she will have any
problem getting convinced, she needs the real action anyway. You must take her to the
club close to downtown in your area, that club where people exchange women, Hen, the
swinging club now, the one your friend was telling you about that time. There is a proper
stud there, he will do it to your wife so tay your kini go angry well well after 8 months, then
you will start doing the thing for 3 years, everyday without stopping.
HERS: You have been bored lately and need some action and excitement in your life, not
to worry, it’s coming your way. Your company is considering establishing offices abroad
especially Afghanistan , Iraq as well as the Niger Delta in Nigeria . You are being
considered for the top job of managing one of the offices.
SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
HIS: This is your year I swear. You are going to be offered a superb job; you will be able to
buy those cars you have been admiring for years and more. Your dream girl is going to
say yes to your marriage proposal. Your mom’s birthday is going to be grand, you will
throw an owambe party with Snoop Dogg and Akon on the band stand singing your
praise. You will wake up from your dream about all these stuff still reigning at Ajegunle
with no lights while the next street to you will be under siege from robbers. Don’t worry
about a thing; this prediction will come true in the year 3007, specifically Dec 21, at 2200
hours.
HERS: I need to go chat with my girlfriend, read the papers for yours or adopt that of the
guy above you.
Michael O. Ewetuga
Cancer June 22 – July 22
HIS: It appears you are deaf and that disability might be your undoing. They shout it on the
radio, TV and newspapers but na lie, you got to smoke and you do it everywhere, in the
toilet, in between meals, in the car, at the office, even while taking a shower. Dem take am
swear for you, because you were born under cancer does that mean you must die of one.
STOP SMOKING!
HERS: Congratulations! Your boss is finally going to propose. After years of low neck tops,
tight underwear revealing pants, deliberate parting of legs when taking notes. Your efforts
will be rewarded big time with a solid rock on your finger. You are going to have all the
things money can buy, but visit the sex toy shops before your marriage because Mr. Boss
is impotent which was why he never did make a pass at you. Check it out yourself, you are
a drop dead gorgeous girl and yet he never trespassed. There’s pressure on him to get
married and he has chosen you in his mind.
LEO July 22- Sept 23
HIS: Your son is about graduating from college. Brilliant boy, always coming top in his
class as a result of which he bagged a scholarship this year to study in the USA .
Everyone is excited, most especially you, that you have such a brilliant boy. You have
concluded arrangements for him to stay with your best friend, the boy’s godfather. Get a
chair to take with you wherever you go from now on because you are going to need to get
your butt on a chair real quick when a secret that had been concealed for 21 years rear its
ugly head. With regard to that brilliant boy that is going on scholarship to America , you are
not the daddy, wondering who the daddy is? Ask your best friend. How can you not know,
you that you giraffed throughout your school days, how can you father such a brilliant boy?
You self like better thing.
HERS: Nobody wants to be your friend because of your humble background. Your so
called friends don’t want to be associated with you because of the tribal marks on your
parents cheeks and because they speak with that heavy village dialect. You yourself had
considered denying these parents of yours because you believe they are an
embarrassment, thanks to good reasoning power on your part, you have decided to stick
with your parents and ditch your friends, after all your parents brought you into this world.
Kudos, you are about to be rewarded for your loyalty to your parents, the gods saw your
conduct and have decided to reward you powerfully.
There is a party coming up and your friends in their conspiratorial mood have decided not
to inform nor invite you. Big deal! You must be at that party despite not being invited, you
must gate crash. A good looking wealthy business tycoon will attend, he will bump into
you and this will result in you spilling your drink all over your dress. In the process of
helping you clean the mess, the dashing, young, handsome rich guy is going to reveal
one of your boobs. Your friend will have a good laugh and the crowd will have an eye full,
including the cause of your palaver, the rich tycoon. He will continue staring, eyes almost
popping out of their sockets. Your boobs are going to be a source of constant nightmare
for the young man because they were going to go at him in his dreams chorusing “touch
us, lick us, have us” he will not rest till he marries you, that is what a famous herbalist will
tell him. He consequently will ask for your hand in marriage. See who will have the last
laugh?
VIRGO Aug. 23 – Sept 22
HIS: Do not argue with someone more intelligent and smarter than you are, that is not only
disrespectful, it is stupid. Some billions of dollars got missing at your job, your boss will
accuse you of stealing it, do not argue, offer no protest. You will be fired but won’t be
jailed, because of lack of evidence tying you with the missing money. Your boss intend to
use you as red herring to cover his yansh, he will call you years later and tell you where to
get your own half of the money.
HERS: Listen to your friend on this one, you will be missing the point if you think they are
envious. You looked so beautiful when you were black and shining, with your enviable
white teeth. Now you are bent on being white, you may seek Michael’s advice on the futility
of that exercise. You have spent all your savings on bleaching cream, yet you’re not close
to looking Mexican. Plus, white people know themselves. When you fill that employment
box you better check the appropriate box, “Black/African-American, not of Hispanic
heritage” Descriptive enough?
LIBRA Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
HIS: Hush, stop complaining. Your uncle told you not to leave that banking job in Nigeria ,
you slandered him and campaigned to everyone that he did not want you to become
American like he is. Now you’re in America , you have submitted your resume to all the
companies, big and small no hope of being employed by any. You must pay your dues
men! This is a country of equal opportunity with a proviso. Start at the very bottom and start
walking your way up, the moving company will employ you regardless of your experience,
nationality or educational background. That is equal opportunity.
HERS: Pray, just pray, that is your solution. All those things you did last year require
prayers for proper cleansing. I will not say it, you know what you did. The bible says if your
sin is as red as scarlet it shall be washed and made as white as snow. I don’t want
anyone tearing your dress in public, so, I will hold my peace. That was your sister’s
husband girl! I won’t say it. Incredible! Simply because your saw the outline of his stuff
through his shorts, ha! Na wah! I won’t let anyone know, just pray. You turned the thing into
feeding bottle and suck on it all the time like a thirsty girl in the desert. Oga! Not my
business though. What happened after all that sucking and moaning, we both know. Just
pray!
SCORPIO Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
HIS: Spice up your life men! I got good news for you, don’t tell me, I know! Your wife cries
herself to sleep every night because of your disappointing performance at the Wembly
Stadium, match day after match day. No need to commit suicide, don’t use Viagra it will
not save you, no drug will. You need to talk to madam and assure her you’re about to
become the most gifted striker the world has ever known. Not that she will have any
problem getting convinced, she needs the real action anyway. You must take her to the
club close to downtown in your area, that club where people exchange women, Hen, the
swinging club now, the one your friend was telling you about that time. There is a proper
stud there, he will do it to your wife so tay your kini go angry well well after 8 months, then
you will start doing the thing for 3 years, everyday without stopping.
HERS: You have been bored lately and need some action and excitement in your life, not
to worry, it’s coming your way. Your company is considering establishing offices abroad
especially Afghanistan , Iraq as well as the Niger Delta in Nigeria . You are being
considered for the top job of managing one of the offices.
SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
HIS: This is your year I swear. You are going to be offered a superb job; you will be able to
buy those cars you have been admiring for years and more. Your dream girl is going to
say yes to your marriage proposal. Your mom’s birthday is going to be grand, you will
throw an owambe party with Snoop Dogg and Akon on the band stand singing your
praise. You will wake up from your dream about all these stuff still reigning at Ajegunle
with no lights while the next street to you will be under siege from robbers. Don’t worry
about a thing; this prediction will come true in the year 3007, specifically Dec 21, at 2200
hours.
HERS: I need to go chat with my girlfriend, read the papers for yours or adopt that of the
guy above you.
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